When you’re applying for PhDs, people give you advice including ‘be aware it’s a lonely time’. I figured they meant the subject - I mean, fairly obviously very few people are studying your topic (it’s supposed to be original, right?) I was sure I could handle not having many people knowing the specific ins and outs of my thesis.

What I didn’t realise was the utter, total crushing loneliness of living alone during easter when all your undergraduate friends are home for the holidays. I miss Sam, very much, and am finding things really difficult at the moment. It doesn’t help that I suspect I am falling to what are probably common traps of wondering where he is, what he’s doing. Calling to talk because I’m alone, and finding out he’s at a gig or in the pub (neither of which featured highly in our relationship, something that continues to upset me). Following a course of counselling in my MA I became better at being able to reach out when I was feeling bad, but it becomes a lot more difficult when there are literally so few people around.

Much as I love the G&S Society, I can’t get away from the fact that the newbies who join are 18/19, and I am among the older ones - definitely one of the longest serving women. I love being part of it and love being part of the show, but can’t help feeling that maybe I should do something else for a while.
I was thinking about the Didsbury social circle and maybe another uni society, but of course those are pretty much closing up shop for the summer and don’t help longer term.

I’m dreading the summer. The three weeks of Easter have been awful, and I was at home for nearly a week of that. Sure, I’ll be on holiday and working and conferencing and all sorts of things but there’s no substitute for being able to call someone for a chat and go round to watch dvds or something.

Well, that was a more personal entry than I was planning on keeping here. I’m aiming for this to be more of a phd-life journal which focuses on my academic thoughts but I guess the loneliness is a big factor right now, and is inevitably having an impact on my work - if only because it means I can write 12000 words in 2 weeks because I’m not doing anything else!