These two articles give an impression of something concerning.  Where did my sex kitten go

is written by a man who, having got married to a successful and intelligent career woman, felt betrayed when she devoted herself to motherhood. So he had an affair and ended up repeating the situation all over again. Granted, some women conceivably change when they have children but his attitude sounds, to me, appalling. A particular gem:
Ten years after leaving Frances for Maria, I wonder why I bothered. Frances is still frosty with me and I have a horrible feeling that my daughter Anna doesn’t actually like me very much. And Maria? Nine months ago, after giving birth to my second daughter, Sarah, she has turned into another version of Frances, obsessed with motherhood in just the same way.

He wonders why he bothered? How totally self-obsessed can someone be? I’m not surprised if his daughter doesn’t like him very much. My opinion on adultery is that it’s unforgivable, and that he’s putting all the blame on the women for these relationships going wrong doesn’t seem wholly likely. More disturbing, actually, are some of the comments. Primarily from men, blaming women for being habitual liars tricking them into relationships and children they don’t want (and they wonder why these children end up disliking them!) and the assumption that women are aiming only to use and abuse the men they marry.

Which ties in with Jacqui Smith’s ‘database of woman beaters’

This comes after the suggestion that women getting involved in a new relationship, who have children, can find out if their new partner is a sex offender. I agree with the director of Refuge that these lists won’t solve anything. When a man hits a woman, putting him on a list isn’t the way to go. And who has access to these lists? Do you have to prove you’re in a relationship with the man involved? How far in is it applicable? What happens if a man’s falsely accused - is he taken off the list instantly? There’s also trust issues in the relationship if you go down that route, although I accept that men who commit these crimes do often seem perfectly fine until they’re settled in your home.

Surely the emphasis should be on society making it absolutely clear that hitting a woman - or a man, for that matter - is wrong. Given that one in seven people believe hitting a woman who’s dressed sexily or who nags her husband is ok, that would suggest a place to start. Nearly a quarter think a woman dressed attractively is partly to blame for being raped. People aged 18-30 were most likely to agree there were circumstances in which it’s ok to hit a woman, which suggests this is a generational issue but one which may well worsen over time.
What kind of statistics are these? A database of men who act on these assumptions won’t help. Changing the fact that people think this is where to start. Violence against one another is wrong. Let’s start giving that message out.

I’ve been working on womanliness as masquerade for my Exeter paper and this is precisely the same thing, on a paper that was written 90 years ago applied to novels written 100 years before that. Joan Riviere’s suggestion is that women put on a charade in order to protect themselves in a masculine dominated society.In some ways it’s what’s revealed in the comments to the Sex Kitten article, although whereas they portray the masquerade as something insidious and deliberately calculated to destroy men, she sees it as women using the means they have to ensure their equality, knowing they won’t achieve it any other way. She’s still right. Women in the boardroom and ‘male’ jobs either exaggerate their femininity to reassure men that she’s not a threat, or hugely underplay it to become ‘one of the boys’ - and all this for an average 15% less pay than the man next to her is getting. Several of my lecturers in third year were particularly vocal about the problems with that. Professions like teaching lose their status when they become female-dominated and somehow the impression is generated that anyone can do it.

Yes, there are plenty of men who treat women with respect and see them as equals. I’m fortunate to know a lot of them. But the opinions and actions of the others are damaging to us all, and won’t be solved by making lists.