TUFTY CLUB

INT. DESERTED OFFICE. A FLUFFY SQUIRREL in a shirt and tie is staring down the barrel of a huge gun. An ACTION MAN DOLLY is at the other end. The SQUIRREL talks in voice-over. Sq: People were always asking me if I knew Tufty Durden. AM: This is it. The framing device. Any last words? Sq (VO): And suddenly I realised that all of this; the gun, the ultraviolence, the impossibly confusing plot twists, has got nothing at all to do with a doll called Hamble. INT. TOYS' SUPPORT GROUP. Dolls and furry toys are hugging. SQUIRREL is hugging a vast BODY-BUILDER DOLL. Sq: Stretch had bitch tits. This was a support group for toys with plasticular cancer. (List of support groups typed up in Courier New.) "9a.m 'Wanking Is O.K.' 8pm 'Coping with Paradise Syndrome' (with Dave Stewart, Phd) 9am 'Surviving Incest Dramas' (with Dr. Tim Roth) 8am 'Coping with Eastenders' 9pm 'Cheggers Can't Be Boozers' (with Prof. Keith Chegwin) " Stretch: Go ahead, it's okay to cry. We're still boy's toys. Sq: Yes, we're still boy's toys. That's what we are. (VO) Some kid had stretched Armstrong's pecs into big rubbery tits. But back up a second, I want to start earlier. INT FANCY APARTMENT. TOY FURNITURE appears with prices floating over them. The verisimilitude is awesome. (still VO) Like so many others, I had become a slave to the 'Toys R Us' nesting instinct. If I saw something like the Barbie bedroom set, or the Action Man explorer base camp, or the Yujin Funky Scratch Hip-hop keyring, I had to have it. INT. BORING OFFICE with CARDBOARD PHOTOCOPIER. (still VO) I was a road safety squirrel, working 9 to 5. For the past eight weeks, I'd had insomnia. Everything seemed like a copy of a copy. (Single frame of ACTION MAN appears next to him) Colleague Bear: Shit! Was that a flash frame? Sq: It might be... Coll: What was it? Sq: It was a picture...of Brad Pitt. Coll: Coo, I'm getting out of here before you scramble my brains!!! INT. AEROPLANE. SQUIRREL is sat next to ACTION MAN DOLLY from first scene. He is wearing pink-lensed shades. (VO): And that's when I met Pile O' Turden. Pile: You're not your job, you're not the car you drive, you're not your fucking khakis. Sq: I'm sorry, what? Pile: Consumerism is shallow. Advertising is evil. George Michael is gay. Sq (VO): The flight was five hours. I started to fantasisie that there'd be a collision. Anything to shut him up. ANOTHER PLANE crashes into the PLANE. Seats get ripped out, and things flung about in the wind. You can imagine. (still VO) But it was just a dream sequence. Pile: Did you know that if you type 58008 into a calculator and flip it, it spells, 'BOOBS' ? Sq: Who are you, anyway? Pile: I'm Pile O' Turden. I'm the person you wish you were. Sq: You mean, I wish I was a dick? A HALLWAY. GIRL DOLLY smoking a FAG. Sq (VO): Then Hamble ruined everything. Sq: I know you're faking it. Ham: So are you, I saw you at 'Severly Chewed Limbs' Sq: And I saw you in 'A Room With A View' Ham: I hear you've got a split personality who looks like Brad Pitt. Sq: Wanna come back to my place? We can have a menage a trois. ACTION MAN and HAMBLE have SEX. She is still smoking the FAG. Ham: Oh god, schizophrenia's sexy! I haven't been fucked like this since Big Ted on 'Playschool'. Sq: (in scene, up close to camera) I guess this is what you call a mind-fuck. EXT. 'THUMPERS' BAR. SQUIRREL and ACTION MAN stand around. Pile: I want you to hit me as hard as you can. Sq: Sure, I thought you'd never ask! (The SQUIRREL decks the ACTION MAN DOLL) Pile: Wow! that felt great! Now I'm gonna hit you. I'll make you feel like a real man! Sq: But I'm a squirrel! And I have a very sensitive...ooof! (The ACTION MAN DOLL clatters the SQUIRREL) (Sq VO) It was on the tip of everyone's tongue. Piler and I just gave it a name. Sq (cont): Ooh, my nuts are in there... INT. BASEMENT. Various FLUFFY ANIMALS are standing around. Piler is topless, except for a large Tufty badge. Pile: Gentlemen, welcome to Tufty Club. The first rule of Tufty Club is: You do not cross the road between parked cars. The second rule of Tufty Club is: You do not cross the road between parked cars. Baboon: (mutters) Oh please... P: We've been raised to believe that one day we'd all be millionaire movie gods and rock stars but we won't! Hedgehog: Wait a second, you're Brad Pitt! You are a millionaire movie god! Mole (inexplicable northern accent): Come on everybody, let's bash his face in! Monkey: Monkey! Hedgehog: Take that, you posh Hollywood git! (The various STUFFED TOYS beat the crap out of the ACTION MAN DOLL) Newspaper notices pinned on a board: "Direct Action Man Strikes Again" "Pokemon Factory Destroyed" "Toy Terror As Tufty Club Escalates" Sq (VO): Then Piler instigated Project Mayhem and things started to get out of hand. INT. KITCHEN. STRETCH is lying injured on the table. Stretch: Ah, help me, my cornsyrup's leaking, I'm dying! Sq: What the hell hapened to Stretch? Mole: We were on an assignment, blowing up Woollies' toy department. Baboon: The security guard got him. Sq: You morons! This has gone too far! Stretch: Piler's planning to blow up the major toy departments tonight. Sq: Jesus! I have to stop him! INT. DESERTED OFFICE AS BEFORE. Sq (VO): And I think this is about where we came in. Pile: Out of these windows we will view the collapse of the maufactured toy industry. Sq: Wait a second, if you're just a figment of my imagination, then I can control you! That gun is in my hand. (Piler loses gun). Pile: Oh! Shit! Sq: You are...a topless Barbie. PILER turns into a TOPLESS BARBIE with big pants on. Topless Barbie: Look at my tits! I could get used to this! Sq: And now you're...a big moose. TOPLESS BARBIE turns into a big moose. Big Moose: Oh dear. This isn't quite as good. Sq: And now I'm going to kill us both. The SQUIRREL shoots himself in the cheek. A gun wound appears on the BIG MOOSE. The SQUIRREL has a bloody hole in his face. The MOOSE falls over. HAMBLE appears, still smoking heavily. As is the SQUIRREL's wound. Ham: Oh my god, Tufty, are you OK? Sq: Woah. I think I just blew my mind. Ham: Oh Tufty, I love you. HAMBLE and the SQUIRREL kiss. The buildings behind explode cheaply. Sq (VO): Piler and I were the same person all along. Everybody had to see the film twice, and now I'm very rich. </plaintext> <center>THE END</center><p> <a href="pageone.htm">back</a>