Last Updated: Wednesday, 4 February, 1998

Name: Xavier Moonchild
Real Name: Mark David Crutch
D.O.B: 24/11/1972

Looks: Currently a cross between an Afghan Hound and a stereotypical Jesus - although this artists impression of me, circa 1988, might lead you to believe otherwise!

Temperament: Very calm and mild mannered - usually!

Marital Status: SINGLE!!!

Hobbies: Writing pointless web pages and trying to get his Atari to act increasingly like a Unix machine. Also juggles soup tins to keep fit and release pent up emotions. Has a particular skill for starting things then never finishing them. Has an unhealthy collection of parrotphernalia, and a distinct fondness for good quality liquorice, and peppermint seaside rock (in case anyone wants to buy him a present).

Position in the band: Towards the front - though not through choice! He plays the harmonica, Jews harp, kazoo, and anything else that anyone inadvertantly lets him too near to. He sings too, however, far from being multitalented, he is just sadistic.

Life History: Conceived, born, grew up, grew hair, grew beard, not dead yet.

Slightly Longer Life History: Born in London, and moved to Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire (England) when only two. Grew up there, attending St. Mary's First School, Turnfurlong Middle School and Aylesbury Grammar School. Passed 10 GCSE's (two of them early, 'cos he's sooo clever) but suffered severe problems at A-level owing to a MAJOR personality clash with his maths teacher. Got an apprenticeship as an electrical engineer, during which he passed his NVQ levels 2 & 4, an HNC (plus extra unit), and failed his maths A-level again.

Eventually passed maths AS-level, and went to Manchester University to study electronic engineering, gaining a 2:1. He hopes to use his electronics skills to build some unique musical instruments, working on the basis that if no-one else knows how to play them, he can at least profess to be the best on his particular choice of instrument.

Musical Tastes:-

The Violent Femmes

An American group with some absolutely excellent songs (check out "Hey Nonny Nonny" on the album "Why Do Birds Sing?" - it's Xav's favourite soup juggling song)

John Otway

Probably the only person with less musical talent than Xav, but very funny

Fairport Convention (or click here)

The old ones are the best! Truly amongst the greatest bands ever to see live: funny and incredible musicians!

Marillion/Fish

The old Marillion stuff, just plain excellent, with incredibly evocative lyrics.

The Greys

I don't know how or why, but I seem to attract very talented people as friends. First was my band, with some superb musicians. Then there is also a superb graphic designer and a handful of doctors and doctors-to-be. Last, and in many respects least, is Vincent Mealing, a freelance designer and model-maker, who has worked for such companies as Alton Towers and Madame Tussauds.

During the summer of '96 Vince came to me with the seed of an idea for a cartoon strip based around the generic "X Files" style aliens, called "The Greys." The whole idea rapidly fired up my imagination, and within days I had dozens of punchlines and ideas which we have since been working on.

At the time of writing, we have completed seven strips and a couple of postcards, all of which have been compiled into a presentation package which was recently sent to a leading science fiction magazine. Assuming they don't take it, then we have a long list of magazines to work through - but as soon as someone does succumb (and somebody's bound to) I'll update this text to let you know.

In case you were wondering about the picture, part of the presentation pack included charicatures of Vince and myself as Greys - so this is what my doppelganger on Mars looks like ;)

Not Dead Yet (Xav's Novel)

Any regular reader of these pages (are there any left after I was unable to update them over the summer?) should know that I have been writing a book! Don't laugh, it's actually quite good (Quote: "I expected it to be mildly amusing, but not absolutely rivetting, which it is..." (thanks Chris)). Well, after two and a half years, and about 200,000 words, I've finally finished it!

Essentially it's a fantasy/comedy/thriller sort of thing. Maybe. The basic plot is that it's about a group of people who are predestined to travel to heaven and meet God. Maybe. For anyone that's interested, it's currently available for download, together with a few of my short stories, by clicking here.

The Magazine Articles

Regular readers probably also know that I wrote an epic eleven page technical article for the final edition of Atari World. Unfortunately nobody knew it would be the final edition at the time, so I never saw the 685 pounds that it was worth :(

Now either I haven't learnt my lesson, or I just want to do my bit to preserve the Atari community, but I am now writing for a subscription only, bi-monthly magazine called Atari Computing, for whom I've written quite a few articles, and am currently in the middle of a technical series on the uses and abuses of the Atari Enhanced Joystick Ports (see below).

EJP FAQ

I also maintain a document which details the uses and potential of the Enhanced Joystick Ports on Atari machines. It's currently at version 0.90, though I hope to release version 1.00 shortly. It's not a true FAQ, but is useful nevertheless, detailing things from the viewpoints of users, programmers and hardware fanatics alike.

If you have an EJP equipped Atari (STe, Falcon030 or Jaguar) then you need this FAQ. Go to my Atari pages for a download.

Kosmik Phish Productions

I am one of a team of programmers attempting to produce a variety of pieces of software for the Atari. Because there's a fair number of projects on the go, I've knocked up a KPP homepage.

alt.sex.bestiality.afghan.hounds.lookalikes

...erm, better make that:-